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Being
The Most Effective Parent: Strategies for Managing Your Feelings
By Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.
Director, Children's Center for OCD and Anxiety
Anxious kids have mixed feelings about their fears- they don't like
them, but they are afraid to change. Parents can have mixed feelings
too- fear, anger, frustration and of course love and compassion. Keeping
track of your own emotions will ensure that they don't undermine the
clear message to your child: you can do this, I will help. Kids won't
have to feel burdened that you are upset for them; they won't have
to protest because you're angry at them. The road to recovery will
open up unencumbered. In this newsletter, we look at how to identify
and manage some common parental reactions to children's fears.
Your Fear: The "Scardiest" Child is the Scariest Child
Parenting an anxious child can feel like living between a rock and
a hard place. You don't want to force your child to do things that
are uncomfortable, but seeing them miss out on important events feels
no better. When trying to figure out your stance, ask yourself: Am
I protecting my child, or preventing her from developing her own protection?
At a certain point your fear of your child's reactions may make you
hold back. However inadvertent, protecting your child from something
that is difficult for him or her begins to register as a vote for the
wrong team. Rather than helping your child feel safe, your reassurances
and participation in avoidance becomes an endorsement that the situation
is too dangerous for them to handle, or that they are simply not capable
enough. These are not the messages you want to send.
Admitting that your child's fears frighten you is an important step
in changing that situation. We've all been frightened of our child's
fears. We don't understand them or their intensity, we can't offer
them a good solution, and often we ourselves start to feel very overwhelmed
in our own way. Just like our kids, we get stuck. In the heat of the
moment this can be tormenting. You know you are the adult, the one
who should be able to solve this, but you can't, and over time this
can become debilitating. One couple described their life as being in
worry jail, the warden none other than their 7 year old son who tracked
their every move, especially at bedtime, when no conversation, no footstep
down the hall, no flick of a light switch went unnoticed. They couldn't
go downstairs, talk on the phone, even take a shower until hours later,
when exhausted from his eagle eye watch, the warden would finally fall
asleep after 11:00. What was holding them back? They were afraid that
they being firm was being mean to their child and that they would be
bad parents, or worse, cause their child to have a breakdown if they
were to set some limits.
When you're facing your own fears, ask yourself the following questions:
Take Care of Yourself: It's Your Job
In my practice, I have seen hundreds of parents who have endured
countless sleepless nights and have been beyond reproach in their
loyal support
of their children, but are depleted, haggard, and feel terribly
responsible and guilty that they can't leave their children even
for an evening.
Let this be a blanket permission and prescription: If you don't
take care of yourself, you really can't be there for your kids. It's
easy
to lose the sense that you have been stellar parents if you're
thinking, "if
I was a good parent, I could take this away from my child."
Just because we can't take away our children's pain doesn't mean
that we are not contributing to their wellbeing. In order to
do so, you
have to take care of yourself. It's not a luxury, it is basic
maintenance, like changing the oil filter on your car every
3000 miles. Yes your
car will run if you don't do that, but it won't run well and
eventually it mucks up the whole system. Train yourself to
put your feelings
of guilt aside and just make the call to the sitter, draw a
bath, hide
with a good book, or take the dog for a walk. The world will
turn, and you will work better when you return. Just do it.
To ease your departure, don't suggest a problem. Some parents
will leave a thread hanging on departure, which only tugs at
a child's
precarious sense of confidence that they can do the challenge.
Saying things like, "are
you sure you'll be ok today?" or "You can always call if
you need me" may be supportive statements in many instances, but
for an anxious child will open a door of doubt. Try to make a clean
break, without being overly cheery, that would be insensitive- and
if your child is struggling, be confident, steady, and no strings attached,
tell them to have a good day, go get em, see you tonight..."
Watch Your Own Reactions
Whether we are talking about anger or fear, often anxious kids
can read their parents like a book. After all, most anxious
children are wired to attend to the smallest details, the slightest
hint
of
danger,
so reading the expression on a parent's face is a focus. Though
anxious children may be good at picking up subtle expressions,
they may not
be so good at accurately interpreting those expressions and
often may negatively distort the meaning of a sigh. Below are
some
suggestions for keeping your reactions helpful rather than
adding them to the
list
of concerns your child has.
Not overreacting
Be empathic, but be careful not to buy into the anxiety's perspective
on the situation (i.e., that it's impossible.) What may feel
like protecting your child from a difficult situation is actually
preventing
her from
learning the essential life skill that she can manage her anxiety
a little at a time. If your child is upset about going to school,
if
you lose your footing in reality and think that it is too hard,
anxiety will have won the tug of war against both of you and
no one will
be rooting for your child winning and overcoming the anxiety.
Listen to
the feelings, but help your child get to the facts.
Being a good soother.
There is a fine line between soothing and stirring. When a
child is upset, listening to them, comforting them, and reflecting
their distress
without adding to it is soothing. It gives kids the confidence
that they are understood, that their parents respond to their
cues and
that they can be soothed. Stirring is what happens when a child
is upset
and parents "lead the witness." Look at the following example:
Missy is invited to go to a friend's house; she's not always
comfortable going to stay with friends and prefers them to
come to her house.
Tearfully she asks her mom what she should do,
Soothing: I know part of you wants to go, because Liz is your
good friend and you know that you could have fun, but you're
working on
getting comfortable at her house. How could we make this work?
What do you think would be hard, what could make it easier?
Stirring: If you don't want to go you don't have to, she can
come here. Besides, it's raining and I don't like going out
in the rain,
it's
so dreary.
In the first approach, Missy's problem is taken seriously,
but so is the complexity of it, that part of the reason she
is distressed
is
that she wants to go, even though it might be tough. Her mom
validates
why, but gives her options on how to work on it. In the second
scenario, an "out" is given right away and an extra reason to avoid
is thrown in as well. The second answer isn't unsupportive or un-feeling,
the problem is it's too supportive of the anxiety and not supportive
of the child coping with it.
Not Under-reacting to Your Child's Anxiety
Some parents claim to not "believe" in anxiety. They may
see the child's behavior as manipulative or simply not problematic.
This is one of the most dangerous parenting situations. When a parent
doesn't see his child's anxiety as real, the child has two options-
either to go underground, try to hide his anxiety which never works,
or try to convince himself that there is something wrong with him because
of what his parent says. Children in this situation tend to become
more symptomatic, may suffer from depression, and if they are old enough
may use drugs or alcohol to treat the symptoms of anxiety. Or, the
other option is to make the symptoms more pronounced in order to get
the proper attention he needs. No parent wants to stand in the way
of their child's health. If you are having trouble accepting your child's
anxiety, please get help for yourself. You may be feeling helpless
because you don't know how to "fix" your child, and rather
than confront that pain, you devalue the problem. Perhaps you have
some resentment because you may have had a difficult or abusive childhood
and since you are giving your child a better life it is hard to accept
that it wouldn't be enough somehow. Or, you may not have anxious wiring,
so it may be hard to put yourself in your child's shoes. Don't let
your limitations keep your child from getting the help he needs. Take
the leap, accept that your child, like millions of other anxious children,
come by their anxiety honestly. It's not a scheme. There are plenty
less painful ways for kids to manipulate or get out of things.
Being aware of your own emotional reactions to your child will
help you be more effective in how you intervene with them.
You can use
the following exercise to identify feelings that may be uncomfortable
for
you, but are perfectly normal.
