Being
The Most Effective Parent: Strategies for Managing Your Feelings
By Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.
Director, Children's Center for OCD and Anxiety
Anxious kids have mixed feelings about their fears- they don't like them,
but they are afraid to change. Parents can have mixed feelings too- fear,
anger, frustration and of course love and compassion. Keeping track of your
own emotions will ensure that they don't undermine the clear message to your
child: you can do this, I will help. Kids won't have to feel burdened
that you are upset for them; they won't have to protest because you're angry
at them. The road to recovery will open up unencumbered. In this newsletter,
we look at how to identify and manage some common parental reactions to children's
fears.
Your Fear: The "Scardiest" Child is the Scariest Child
Parenting an anxious child can feel like living between a rock and a hard
place. You don't want to force your child to do things that are uncomfortable,
but seeing them miss out on important events feels no better. When trying
to figure out your stance, ask yourself: Am I protecting my child, or preventing
her from developing her own protection? At a certain point your fear of your
child's reactions may make you hold back. However inadvertent, protecting
your child from something that is difficult for him or her begins to register
as a vote for the wrong team. Rather than helping your child feel safe, your
reassurances and participation in avoidance becomes an endorsement that the
situation is too dangerous for them to handle, or that they are simply not
capable enough. These are not the messages you want to send.
Admitting that your child's fears frighten you is an important step in
changing that situation. We've all been frightened of our child's fears.
We don't understand them or their intensity, we can't offer them a good solution,
and often we ourselves start to feel very overwhelmed in our own way. Just
like our kids, we get stuck. In the heat of the moment this can be tormenting.
You know you are the adult, the one who should be able to solve this, but
you can't, and over time this can become debilitating. One couple described
their life as being in worry jail, the warden none other than their 7 year
old son who tracked their every move, especially at bedtime, when no conversation,
no footstep down the hall, no flick of a light switch went unnoticed. They
couldn't go downstairs, talk on the phone, even take a shower until hours
later, when exhausted from his eagle eye watch, the warden would finally
fall asleep after 11:00. What was holding them back? They were afraid that
they being firm was being mean to their child and that they would be bad
parents, or worse, cause their child to have a breakdown if they were to
set some limits.
When you're facing your own fears, ask yourself the following questions:
Take Care of Yourself: It's Your Job
In my practice, I have seen hundreds of parents who have endured countless
sleepless nights and have been beyond reproach in their loyal support of
their children, but are depleted, haggard, and feel terribly responsible
and guilty that they can't leave their children even for an evening. Let
this be a blanket permission and prescription: If you don't take care of
yourself, you really can't be there for your kids. It's easy to lose the
sense that you have been stellar parents if you're thinking, "if
I was a good parent, I could take this away from my child."
Just because we can't take away our children's pain doesn't mean that we
are not contributing to their wellbeing. In order to do so, you have to take
care of yourself. It's not a luxury, it is basic maintenance, like changing
the oil filter on your car every 3000 miles. Yes your car will run if you
don't do that, but it won't run well and eventually it mucks up the whole
system. Train yourself to put your feelings of guilt aside and just make
the call to the sitter, draw a bath, hide with a good book, or take the dog
for a walk. The world will turn, and you will work better when you return.
Just do it.
To ease your departure, don't suggest a problem. Some parents will leave
a thread hanging on departure, which only tugs at a child's precarious sense
of confidence that they can do the challenge. Saying things like, "are
you sure you'll be ok today?" or "You can always call if you need
me" may be supportive statements in many instances, but for an anxious
child will open a door of doubt. Try to make a clean break, without being
overly cheery, that would be insensitive- and if your child is struggling,
be confident, steady, and no strings attached, tell them to have a good day,
go get em, see you tonight..."
Watch Your Own Reactions
Whether we are talking about anger or fear, often anxious kids can read
their parents like a book. After all, most anxious children are wired to
attend to the smallest details, the slightest hint of danger, so reading
the expression on a parent's face is a focus. Though anxious children may
be good at picking up subtle expressions, they may not be so good at accurately
interpreting those expressions and often may negatively distort the meaning
of a sigh. Below are some suggestions for keeping your reactions helpful
rather than adding them to the list of concerns your child has.
Not overreacting
Be empathic, but be careful not to buy into the anxiety's perspective on
the situation (i.e., that it's impossible.) What may feel like protecting
your child from a difficult situation is actually preventing her from learning
the essential life skill that she can manage her anxiety a little at a time.
If your child is upset about going to school, if you lose your footing in
reality and think that it is too hard, anxiety will have won the tug of war
against both of you and no one will be rooting for your child winning and
overcoming the anxiety. Listen to the feelings, but help your child get to
the facts.
Being a good soother.
There is a fine line between soothing and stirring. When a child is upset,
listening to them, comforting them, and reflecting their distress without
adding to it is soothing. It gives kids the confidence that they are understood,
that their parents respond to their cues and that they can be soothed. Stirring
is what happens when a child is upset and parents "lead the witness." Look
at the following example:
Missy is invited to go to a friend's house; she's not always comfortable
going to stay with friends and prefers them to come to her house. Tearfully
she asks her mom what she should do,
Soothing: I know part of you wants to go, because Liz is your good
friend and you know that you could have fun, but you're working on getting
comfortable at her house. How could we make this work? What do you think
would be hard, what could make it easier?
Stirring: If you don't want to go you don't have to, she can come
here. Besides, it's raining and I don't like going out in the rain, it's
so dreary.
In the first approach, Missy's problem is taken seriously, but so is the
complexity of it, that part of the reason she is distressed is that she wants
to go, even though it might be tough. Her mom validates why, but gives her
options on how to work on it. In the second scenario, an "out" is
given right away and an extra reason to avoid is thrown in as well. The second
answer isn't unsupportive or un-feeling, the problem is it's too supportive
of the anxiety and not supportive of the child coping with it.
Not Under-reacting to Your Child's Anxiety
Some parents claim to not "believe" in anxiety. They may see
the child's behavior as manipulative or simply not problematic. This is one
of the most dangerous parenting situations. When a parent doesn't see his
child's anxiety as real, the child has two options- either to go underground,
try to hide his anxiety which never works, or try to convince himself that
there is something wrong with him because of what his parent says. Children
in this situation tend to become more symptomatic, may suffer from depression,
and if they are old enough may use drugs or alcohol to treat the symptoms
of anxiety. Or, the other option is to make the symptoms more pronounced
in order to get the proper attention he needs. No parent wants to stand in
the way of their child's health. If you are having trouble accepting your
child's anxiety, please get help for yourself. You may be feeling helpless
because you don't know how to "fix" your child, and rather than
confront that pain, you devalue the problem. Perhaps you have some resentment
because you may have had a difficult or abusive childhood and since you are
giving your child a better life it is hard to accept that it wouldn't be
enough somehow. Or, you may not have anxious wiring, so it may be hard to
put yourself in your child's shoes. Don't let your limitations keep your
child from getting the help he needs. Take the leap, accept that your child,
like millions of other anxious children, come by their anxiety honestly.
It's not a scheme. There are plenty less painful ways for kids to manipulate
or get out of things.
Being aware of your own emotional reactions to your child will help you
be more effective in how you intervene with them. You can use the following
exercise to identify feelings that may be uncomfortable for you, but are
perfectly normal.
Brought to you by The Children's Center for OCD and Anxiety.