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Parenting Tips for Anxious Kids
Expectations of your child
It's important that you have the same expectations of your anxious child
that you would of another child (to go to birthday parties, make decisions,
talk to adults). However, understand that the pace will need to be slower
and there is a process involved in meeting this end goal. You can help
your child break down big tasks into smaller steps that your child can
accomplish (first go to the party with your child and agree to stay
as long as your child is interacting with others, next time stay for
the first half hour). You can help role-play or act out possible ways
your child could handle a difficult situation. Saying it out loud makes
kids more confident and more likely to try the strategy when your child
is alone.
Build your child's personal strength
It's important to praise your child for facing challenges, trying something
new or brave behavior. Some children like big loud exuberant praises,
others like a quiet pat on the back. There is a lot you can do to help
build your child's competence. Search to find avenues where your child
can show he is good at something (music, art, sports). Also be sure
your child has jobs around the house that show your child is contributing
to the family.
Letting your child learn to do things on his/her own
While tempting, it is best not to take over or do it for your child.
While this might help your child feel better right now, the message
your child is getting is that you don't believe your child can do it.
Then your child will start to think the same way about him or herself.
Try not to get caught continually reassuring your child that everything
will be okay. Teach your child to answer his/her own questions and provide
the reassurance him/herself. You can model how you think through and
respond to your child's questions.
Helping your child handle his own feelings
It is okay to let your child experience some anxiety. Your child needs
to know that anxiety is not dangerous but something your child can cope
with. You can let your child know all feelings are okay and it is all
right to say what you feel. Anxious children sometimes have a hard time
expressing strong emotions like anger or sadness because they are afraid
people will be angry with them. It's okay to take time for yourself
even if your child wants to be with you at all times. You are modeling
for your child that everyone needs some time to themselves.
Passing on your fears
Try to keep your fears to yourself and as best you can present a positive
or at least neutral description of a situation. Let them know that it
is safe to explore. It is not helpful to laugh or minimize your child's
fear. But humor does help one deal with the world, so show your child
how to laugh at life's absurdities and mistakes.
Working together as parents
It is important to work with your spouse to have an agreed upon way
of handling your child's anxiety that you both feel comfortable with.
It is very important that one parent not be "too easy" because the other
parent "pushes your child too much." This is very confusing for your
child who does not know what to count on.
Consequences
Don't confuse anxiety with other types of inappropriate behavior. It
is very important to set both expectations and have limits and consequences
for inappropriate behavior. Parents who have reasonable expectations
of their children and clear and consistent limits and consequences for
behavior along with love and acceptance have the most competent, self
confident and happy children.
